Fuck.
Here is a very long, nonsensical, ramble of all the things I wish I could say to you.
I pushed you out of my mind a long time ago and then I’ll see some stupid shit online that probably has nothing to do with me and the missing you hits me like a train. I still remember what your room smells like and how it felt spending every second with you. That’s a kind of closeness that I couldn’t so easily replace. But you did, and after all this time, I still don’t even understand why. However, with the remembrance of missing you, comes the memories of everything else. I’m having this battle in my head right now between missing you to death, and holding a grudge that deserves to be held. I’m sure it wasn’t all one sided, I know I must have let you down. We started growing apart in ways, and I can’t put my finger on why. You know me, you know I don’t like to hold grudges, but I can’t quite shake my anger. I think the person that I miss doesn’t exist anymore.
I hope you know I tried to forgive you. When I met Meg, I talked about you constantly. I used to make all kinds of excuses for why you were choosing someone else, but at the end of the day I really couldn’t come up with a reason that made sense for why you threw me away. You made all these cracks in my life, and you didn’t even seem to have a reason for doing it. I honestly wish I could still have you in my life, I wish we could be close again, but what you did was worse than either of them.
I hope you’re better than you were. I still remember what you said about your plans for after high school and I held my breath for a week when your graduation came and went. I always justified my hurt with the thought that she would never care about you half as much as I still do in the back of my mind. I hope I was wrong.
You seem happier now from the outside, and it makes me worry that I in some way contributed to your depression. The thought of that makes me sick. But I guess looking happy from the outside was always your forte, I was just never on the outside looking in before.
He told me that you asked about me. He told me how you relayed to him the story of the last night I ever saw you, one I told him months ago near the field, walking away from the fire trucks. How fitting, now that I think about it. Life has a way of being poetic.
I can’t stop thinking about all the time I wasted, all the people I undervalued because I was stuck on the roller coaster that was your flash and go life. And then it was mine, and then the flash turned into a dull blinking lightbulb and the go turned into waiting.
Last week you called me and hung up, and my heart skipped a beat when I saw your weird nickname come up on my phone. You’re toxic in my memory, but I wish you the best.
I know you always meant well. Maybe I’m the only one who saw that your good intentions were your downfall.
